You're mad or what?

"What you doing like a mad person haan? Don't do like this, I'm telling you".
"You don't have other work to do kya? Simply wasting time doing nonsense".
"I will tell your name to my miss".
"Arrey why are you troubling me always? I will beat you okay?"
"Your mother taught you this only na? Stupid".
"Don't come on this side of the bench okay? You are dirty".
"Shhiii! You didn't have a bath na? Yellow yellow dirty fellow".
"What your mother gave you for tiffin? You want to eat my dosa?"
"My father will beat your father na, then you'll understand".
"That miss is always giving remarks. She is mad".
"Why you did not do your maths homework? Now toh you will pakka get punished".
"Chheee! What dirty handkerchief you are using? You will get sick na!"
"You shut up, stupid. No you stupid. Same to you. Mirror. God in middle full stop."

The above sentences were overheard at a lunch break in school. Kids are awesome.

Ergo, I'm not a horse...

I am a fan of 'Hinglish' or whatever they're calling it nowadays. I like talking to people who are experts in the said 'language' if you can call it that. Now for the record, Hindi is my matrubhasha and English is my language of choice, so I prefer to keep them both at their respective places and ensure that I don't mix them up like a poorly made Pinacolada. But people of the Hinglish persuasion beg to differ. They think Hindi and English go together. These are the same people who are most likely to douse their vanilla ice creams with imli ki chutney and exclaim that it is a mind blowing combo. I respect them for being so open to stuff. I like 'open' people, if I dare say so. I am not that open to desecrating the sanctity of two beautiful languages, so I really am in awe of people who are gutsy enough to do it. Sample this conversation:

Me: Hi ABC! How are you?

ABC: Bas, totally fine! You tell me, kya haal chaal hai?

Me: I'm doing good too! How's work?

ABC: What to say? Chal raha hai somehow. That promotion yaar! I want it so badly ke main kuch bhi karunga. Desperate hun yaar!

Me: I understand. You need to work harder. Try and get your work noticed.

ABC: Arrey what you're saying? I've been ghisoing myself daily das das baje tak. Now you tell me, aur kya karun main?

By this time, the Hinglish is beginning to annoy and amaze me at the same time. This mixing has got to require talent because I cannot do it no matter how hard I try. Too bad.
____________________________________

The coffee machine in my office dispenses a laxative that smells and tastes like coffee but is actually a very effective solution for constipation. I am currently trying to do some research and find out how it works, because it works without fail every single time. You drink a cup of it and in fifteen minutes, you'll find yourself on the pot with a magazine in your hand.
I don't know where the 'reading in the loo' habit originated. It must have been a 'Eureka' moment.
_____________________________________

I'm very sure that I only have moments of sanity. I'm also positive that these moments don't last long and I'm thankful that they don't. I'm not very fond of sane people. And it would be a terrible thing to dislike yourself.
______________________________________

Sheher nahi Shanghai hai...

There's a reason Shanghai is different. And the storyline is not that reason. If you really want to watch a movie with riveting political drama as its subject, watch RGV's Sarkar and Sarkar Raj. But all you will feel at the end is the satisfaction of being entertained. Shanghai takes political drama to a new level and this level is not for those who only want to be entertained. Shanghai will make you think and that is exactly where the movie scores points with me. I take films very seriously. Which is why I can never be satisfied with movies like Housefull, Desi Boys or  Rowdy Rathore. I need a Parzania or Black Friday to make me happy and Shanghai just got added to that list. The movie has stellar performances by the most unique star cast and each character is built wonderfully. I have always secretly liked Emraan Hashmi even when he was busy snogging random actresses, but now I can openly admit to being a fan. His rendition of Jogi is spot on and does not look like a poor caricature. The character is gullible yet strong and Emraan makes it all the more believable. Abhay Deol is brilliant as IAS officer Krishnan and it is one of his best performances till date. His acting is natural and his character's disarming honesty is a refreshing change from the usual in your face 'deshbhakti' acts that we normally see portrayed on screen. Kalki doesn't look like she has much to do and I've seen her play such kind of angst filled roles earlier. I adored her in Dev D and in the recent ZNMD. It is safe to say that Emraan and Abhay have shadowed her in this one. Prosenjit Chatterjee and Tillotama Shome manage to get noticed inspite of their miniscule parts. Their characters are important and hold the movie together beautifully. Supriya Pathak Kapoor and Farooque Sheikh are a delight to watch and the entire ensemble comes together to give a power packed performance. All in all, Dibakar Banerjee has done a superb job and his attention to detail is praiseworthy. I came out of the theatre feeling elated, satiated and happy. I guess good movies do this to you. Shanghai deserves awards and accolades and I'd definitely buy the DVD and watch the film again and again.

H's story

I have three dogs. I have no idea what drove me to do this unimaginable feat. Maybe the repressed childhood dream of owning a dog had to be realised some day and since it was such an old and nurtured dream, I had to do it thrice. Hence the three dogs. Soon after I got my first dog H, I realised that you do not own the dog. The dog owns you. H was a playful little Labrador pup and sadly enough, she was sick. HM and I didn't have the faintest idea about her illness and we knew nothing about raising a pup. So we went to this quack vet (scum bag) who told us she had developed a slight rash which was common in puppies and it would go away soon. Well, it didn't. A week later it got worse and my poor little H broke out in boils. I rushed her to another vet who announced that we had just brought home a pup that was suffering from a severe case of scabies and that we should return her to the breeder immediately and also file a complaint against him. I was devastated. H had lost all the hair on her tummy and hind side due to the rash. The vet told us that the hair might never grow back and it was best to just return the puppy and get a new one instead. We came back home and H climbed into my lap to sleep. I looked at HM and we both knew at that instance that we were never going to give her back. She was now ours and we loved her. Thus began a series of expensive and time consuming treatments to cure H's scabies. Other dog owners wouldn't let their healthy dogs play with her when she went out for her walk. Poor H would wag her tail and look at them, longing to play. But the infection was highly contagious and nobody even wanted to touch her. I wanted to tell people to stop treating her like some sort of rabid dog. She was by far the most affectionate dog ever. Scabies or no scabies. But we had to put up with all that and I felt really sad for H who would continue to wag her tail at just about everyone who passed her by. Finally after two whole months of daily treatment at home, H's scabs fell off. These two months were very difficult. H was subjected to an hour of cleaning and medication administered by us on a daily basis. She also went through a rather scary and painful dehydration bout in the midst of it all. She had thrown up all over the house and when I took her to the vet in an auto, she threw up on me around 5 times. I'd always imagined I'd be extremely grossed out by stuff like that. But that day, I didn't mind a bit. I even cried when the vet jammed a needle into H's paw to administer saline. I never knew I could feel these things for a dog. But there I was, patting her and telling her that it would all be okay. And she opened her drowsy, tired eyes and looked at me like she understood every word. Another month later, we spotted very mild hair growth on her tummy and  hind side. HM and I almost cried with joy that day. Our baby was finally okay. Another two months later, H stepped out for her walk with the most luxuriant, shiny fur. Not a single bald spot. The other dog owners asked us if we'd gotten rid of  'that sick dog' and refused to believe us when we said that 'this beautiful dog' is the same one. H soon became one of the most loved dogs in the neighbourhood with a really long list of friends (dogs and humans both) and continues to hold the title of 'Most Adorable Dog' till date. And I know that H can't read this blog but I bet she knows that I love her tremendously and this one is for her. I love you, H. You're precious.
As for the other two, I will write about them soon enough. Each one deserves her own post. Till then,
Toodles, y'all!

How to be nonchalant...

No I am not trying to be a 'self help' guru or something. Ironical, since I still need to help myself a lot before I can actually start helping others. Still, I can pride myself on being able to guide people to do stuff that I can do pretty well myself. Being nonchalant is one of them. I am a pro at it. Now for the record, I wasn't always so good at it. I spent quite some time playing the paranoid maniac until it dawned on me that worrying or obsessing about anything does not help at all. It only makes matters worse. That is when I decided to kick the habit. I haven't looked back ever since and I've been clean for a whole year now. Look at me talking about this like I've kicked a drug habit or something. But believe me, it is just as worse. So now I am the queen of nonchalance. Nothing bothers me and even if it does, I get over it in a span of 15 minutes and all is well with my world again. I will now share my secrets with you so you can be just as chilled out as I am.

So here goes:

Do not get vexed about anything at all. It is easier said than done but it can actually be as easy as it sounds if you know how to do it right. Whenever a problem or worrisome situation presents itself, our first instinct is to panic about it. This triggers off the anxiousness and what follows is days of ceaseless worrying. Do you know how much time we waste doing this rather than being calm and finding a better solution to the problem? The only way to not worry is to just stop worrying. It is that simple. Tell yourself that it isn't a big deal and it has a pretty good solution to it that you will find in some time. Organise your mind to start working in the right direction. You will be surprised at how soon your problems will be resolved.

Not all problems have a solution. Understand that as well. Annoying in-laws, colleagues that plot against you, pet dogs that simply fail to obey or a difficult boss, are all very good examples of problems that don't really have a solution. The only thing you can do in such a case is detach yourself altogether. When you do this successfully, you will literally become immune to all the negative words and actions coming your way. No matter how insulting, annoying or infuriating it is, you will just stop getting bothered. The trick is to ignore it all. What cannot be changed has to be accepted and this acceptance should not be a resigned one. It has to be one where words just bounce off you and actions are simply overlooked. This sort of behaviour on your part will slowly start annoying your tormentor and that is almost as sweet as revenge can get. What more do you want?

There are also the 'mundane worries' as I call them, that present themselves to us on a daily basis. Will my maid show up today, will I miss my bus/train, will I get a pay raise this year, are all good examples of things we worry about on a daily basis. Understand that this is just like a daily fix of drugs for your paranoid mind and just like drugs or alcohol, this habit will hamper your life in the long run. The only way to stop doing this is to simply stop doing it. It is actually quite easy to practice. Think about other pleasant things when one of these mundane worries come around to plague you for the day. Just try and be positive about them. Tell yourself that your maid will come on time, you will catch that bus/train and you will definitely get that pay raise this year and even if all that doesn't happen, it will not mean the end of this world. You will deal with it and move on. Easy peasy!

Now that I've shared some wonderful tactics, you can go ahead and fight that war against your worries and emerge unscathed and victorious. Also, you will have the added advantage of being peaceful and calm and with time, you will have achieved a 'Zen' like quality which will not just bring you that much elusive inner peace and harmony, but also longevity and happiness. Your thoughts will be more organised and the clarity will be enviable. This will obviously mean progress. Not just on a personal level but professionally as well. Need I say more? 

How to keep it together when you're both together...

Yeah, I know the title doesn't make much sense. Maybe if you stick around to reading the whole post, it will.
So as most of you know, I've been married to His Majesty or HM for almost a year and a half now. It wasn't the best time of my life and yet it was filled with some beautiful moments that I will cherish forever. There are also moments that I'd rather forget but I just can't. All in all, I learnt one very important lesson. Marriage is not easy. And a love marriage is all the more difficult. But if one tries hard enough, it works. I know that people always say that marriage is not a one way street. Both the parties have to adjust, understand and be kind to each other. Firstly, that is just nice to say and hear. Sometimes the reality will be far from it and one has to be prepared for it instead of expecting something unreal all the time. You may be feeling particularly affectionate but maybe your other half isn't. Sometimes you could be downright rude and your significant other could be unusually kind to you instead. It takes years to be on the same page and even then, one has to always know and understand that you are both very different people who have somehow managed to be in sync with each other. So how should one keep it together in the initial years when everything is new and a lot of it is annoying? There are very simple rules to this. Now firstly, I am no expert on dysfunctional couples and all I'm about to say is completely based on my experience alone. So here goes:

Patience is the most important thing. It may seem like you married the evil twin, but give him/her some time and it will all be okay.

Tolerance is essential. You will be convinced that your partner is doing everything he/she can to annoy you but that isn't the case. He/she is just showing you a side that you are unaware of. Observe and let it be.

Annoyance or anger is not going to help. It will only increase the negativity and by yelling, screaming and nagging, you will provoke your partner to do the same. Pretty soon, things will go from bad to worse and you will be wishing that you hadn't opened your mouth in the first place. Regret is not good, so just hold your tongue before you say or do something nasty.

If you are at the receiving end of your partner's anger or annoyance, simply keep quiet and let them vent it out. They will appreciate you for being calm and will also apologise later if they feel like it. Also, it will encourage them to share their negative feelings with you because you're the one who doesn't judge them when they're angry.

Do not expect your partner to apologise. I am talking to all the wives out there who wait for their husbands to say sorry and basically sulk till they get their apology. It is a cruel thing to do. It is far easier for the wife to say sorry. Atleast for me it is. But men are unintentionally egoistic and they don't believe in apologising. If your husband does say sorry quite often, it is only because he doesn't like the tantrum you throw after he has messed up. Men don't like to apologise and often do it only as a last resort. I don't like doing that to my husband and he makes up for his mistakes without saying sorry out loud. I love that. Most men are exactly like that. Don't wait for an apology and they will make it up to you in better ways. Just remember point 1. Be patient.

Do not start a fight under any circumstances. Always remember that you are going to be with this person till the day you breath your last and it pays to treat them well. You do not want to be remembered as the irritating husband/wife who made their life miserable. If you do not like something about them or you don't agree with one of their actions, find a way to tell them kindly without offending them or hurting their feelings. It may seem like a lot of work when all you can do is yell and scream at them and make them see how mad they've made you. But this is when patience and tolerance come into play. Also it is easier to be angry but more difficult to be calm. Do not take the short cut. This is a life long relationship we're talking about and you may consider wanting to invest more time in handling it well.

Always appreciate and support your partner. They may not do the same to you right away, but it is essential that you do your best to make them realise that you will always be there for them.

Understand your partner. It is essential to know their likes, dislikes and pet peeves to say the very least. Find time to talk to them and if your partner is anything like HM, you'll have quite a task at hand. HM is very quiet and he used to enjoy being left alone. He had been living on his own for more than 7 years and a fellow human in the house was enough to irk him. Most of us are like that. We are not used to sharing our space with others and we can clam up and retire into our shells at such times. If your partner does that, just draw him/her out slowly. Don't bombard them with questions and give them time to get used to you. Very soon, you'll have a talkative, lively person to live with. Patience is the key.

Give your partner his.her space. Let them do the things they like to do. You may not enjoy golfing or reading but he/she does. Let them enjoy their hobbies and pass-times. You can enjoy yours.

Never force your partner to change according to your specifications. Know that nobody is perfect and unless your partner has a serious bad habit that is going to hurt them in the future, do not make them change anything about themselves. Do not do the same for them. Let them know that you are what you are and gradually they will love you for it. The key is to stop being perfect and be more spontaneous instead.

Take time to be with each other inspite of your hectic lifestyles. You will realise that even 15 minutes spent together with love and affection will help you to keep the spark alive. It is okay if you just sit quietly and share a cup of tea. It doesn't matter as long you're in each other's company.

And last but not the least, respect his/her family even if you don't like them that much. Your partner will respect your for being mature enough and putting aside your ego to accommodate his/her family in your life. Know and understand that they are your family too and one does not 'put up' with family. One accepts them the way they are and respects them for it.

And now that I've written the most sensible post to be found on this blog, I deserve a break. I am exhausted after all the serious thinking. But jokes apart, this is exactly how I've learnt to keep it together when I'm with HM. We are like chalk and cheese but we manage pretty well. I hope this post helps other couples to manage just as well. And those of you who have been married for a longer time, do share your nuggets of wisdom. I'm sure you all have great stories to tell and wonderful advice to share.
Toodles, y'all!

The Disclaimer...finally.

I've been wanting to write a disclaimer for a very long time now. Truth is, I have no idea how to add those fancy buttons on my blog and I am way too proud of my inability to deal with technology, so I just cannot bring myself to ask someone for instructions. It will hurt my ego to learn new things on the computer. I am old school that way. I miss the old days when ideas required a notepad and pen. Now we make power point presentations (rolls eyes and shakes head) Anyhoo, I just want all my readers to know a few things about me and my blog and whatever goes on in between. It is somewhat of a disclaimer and I have no other words for it so we're going to call it a disclaimer. So here goes:

If you want stories of hope, love, belief and faith, read someone else's blog or better still, go watch a Karan Johar movie or something. I am not an automated bot but I am out of sync with most of my emotions so I don't really feel the need to talk about all that. I am all grey, I thought I told you. No specific black or white here. 

If I do write something about love, hope, belief,  faith and such other stuff, it is an indication that I am officially down in the dumps. That is when I need to be left alone to mope. You can always leave comments though. I believe a lot in the power of the written word, which is why I'm finalising a plan wherein I'm going to communicate by writing letters to people around me. More on that later...

I am scatterbrained. I have ingenious ideas that nobody seems to appreciate fully. I don't take myself seriously and I doubt if I take others seriously. In fact I just cannot be sufficiently serious about anything at all. It helps me. It obviously annoys others. Get used to it.

I write because the words get collected in my mind and I got to find a place to put it. No other reason. 

I am always pretty confused and clueless and that obviously reflects in my writing sometimes. I don't know. Don't judge me, okay. Or do, whatever.

I don't watch the news or read newspapers because I get stressed. So obviously no current events will be discussed here unless it is something big. Like 9/11 or the tsunami or Shahrukh being banned from the Wankhede stadium. You get the gist?

I think, this should suffice for now. I am a little bored of typing and I have a re-run of 'Friends' waiting to be watched. Toodles, y'all!