Monday, 30 April 2012

Take a hike...shoo!

I think men are inherently self centred and suffer from the complete inability to think beyond themselves. I speak after having experienced this common phenomenon myself. Not once, but plenty of times. It doesn't make me hate men, but it does make me wonder about what exactly makes them behave in this manner. How can they do it so easily? And pray, tell me, what do women have to do to start experiencing this wonderful feeling of not being able to care for anything but yourself? It is important that we learn soon, because women apparently suffer from the habit of thinking too much about others and completely neglecting themselves in the process. One ought to really get down to this rather significant task and find out a way. Pronto.

HM's recipe for the perfect cup of Ginger Tea.

1 cup of water
2 spoons of sugar
1 inch of Ginger
1 tsp of tea powder

Pour the water in a saucepan and add thinly sliced ginger to it. Do not grate the ginger as it will not help in bringing out the flavour. Now boil this mixture on slow heat for 5 whole minutes till the water starts to reduce and turns a light shade of yellow. Now add the tea powder and boil for another minute. Lastly, strain this into a cup and add sugar. Enjoy your cup of Ginger tea.

Note: It is important to have your wife around so you can 'teach' her how you want your tea everyday. Also, it is always good to pass on perfected recipes to others so they can partake in the awesomeness of your culinary skills.

These guys never fail to crack me up. Not once. Respect \m/

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

You just think you're funny...

I would have definitely been an astronaut if I hadn't hated maths so much in high school. I was obsessed with outer space, planets, stars, the works. Then my darling mother, who I'm sure meant well at that time, told me that if I wanted to pursue a career in space research or something like that, I'd have to be brilliant at maths. She probably thought that her daughter would stop failing every maths test and actually work harder at the subject in order to fulfil her ambition. But her beloved daughter did the exact opposite. She abandoned her ambition in order to save herself from the dreadful prospect of studying advanced maths.That's me. I'm a lazy person. Ma then started nagging me about my lack of determination. That's my ma. She's very determined. Anyway, I was watching Aliens vs Predators today and the bull crap they made up in that movie was damn impressive. It made me want to be an astronaut again. Too late for that now. I'm already a lawyer and I still hate maths.

Sofia Vergara from the Modern Family series is way too adorable. She makes me want to be a Columbian, and that's saying something. I wanted to be French because of the classy language but I think being Columbian is way more fun. Si.

I wanted to take a year off and live alone before I got married. But I often forget my own plans. Now I can't wait to resign from my job and go live in Ladakh with my dogs. I'm very sure that's not going to happen as well. What do you do when you realise that you are the reason for everything that didn't go as planned? Do you punish yourself? Do you repent? What about seeking vengeance? Should one ideally stand before a mirror and yell at the reflection? I have no idea how to deal with such things. I often get quite mad at myself and wonder what to do.

What is the deal with girls and all things pink? There has got to be a good scientific explanation for the pink obsession. I type this as I sit surrounded by a pink stapler, pink pen, pink lip balm and pink varnish on my nails. Look who's talking. 

Is it okay that I actually sympathise with Voldemort? I'm a Harry Potter aficionado, but I never thought Voldemort was entirely bad. He had his reasons. Maybe he over did it like some of us, but it wasn't completely unjustified. Poor guy. And speaking of Harry Potter, Her awesomeness, the Queen of fiction, J. K. Rowling, is writing another book! It is going to be a dark and humorous book called, 'The Casual Vacancy'. It is releasing on 27th September and I will definitely line up before my local book store to get my copy. Can't wait.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

I'm investigating things that begin with the letter M...

They say that before you die, your whole life kinda plays before your eyes one last time. Well, not your WHOLE life, that would take a long time. Just the important significant bits which have somehow affected you, maybe changed you. And at the rate at which random old memories are popping in and out of my head, I dare say, my time is here. I could be dead any moment now. And I may sound super morbid, but I am actually pretty cheerful today. Like even the idea of death is not enough to dampen my soaring spirit. Talking of which, my spirit feels like one of those idiotic birds that fly stupidly into a pane of clear glass and smash themselves. Soaring spirit, yeah right.

I want to rent some really old movies and do a marathon of sorts. For those who do not know me (which is all of you, this is an anonymous blog, silly) should know that I have a very serious inclination to turn into a couch potato. It is one of my ambitions to just sit around watching TV, eating unhealthy junk and doing nothing in general. An ambition that is cruelly crushed by my job and my commitment (as of now) to keep myself employed. Anyhoo, I am currently making a list of movies that will go with my couch potato plan. Patther Panchali, Nishaant, Gaman, Arth, Sujata etc are on it. Add to it if you like. 

I just realised that I am not a woman with a mission. I should totally be a woman with a mission! I need to have an agenda, a list of things to do and the willpower to do all those things. I need a plan. I don't have a plan! I mean, is it me, or is THIS lack of purpose responsible for all the things going wrong around here? I think I have the answer. Finally! Now all I need is a purpose. That shouldn't be so difficult. I should start working on this right away. Excuse me while I go and put on my thinking cap (marches off with a purpose)

Oh Dear. Am I the reincarnated version of the Mad Hatter? I must beThere is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter. Which luckily, I am (chuckles)

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Frumpy old woman in a hat, where oh where is your cat?

Is there a way to be (brutally) honest without hurting someone's feelings? I really wish there was. I'd actually stop lying completely if that was the case. I mean, I've always been taught since childhood that lying is a sin and one should never resort to it. But now that I look back at all the creative bullshit I've blurted out to various people, I feel that I did so only to refrain from hurting them with the bitter truth. There are quite a few people who I actually hate right now and I have to be sweet to them because even though I hate them, I just cannot bear to hurt people. Not that I'm some sappy, over sensitive angel with a halo, but because I know how being hurt feels like and I also know what I think about people who have hurt me (not good things, obviously). I wouldn't want others to feel the same towards me. Hatred is like this chain reaction thing. I'd hate to be the one to trigger it off. But I have to compromise on my honesty for that. Lately when I'm putting on my best behaviour for the people I otherwise hate, I tell myself that I'm doing them a huge favour and someday they'll be thankful for it. Yeah, right.

How long is it before you get bored with your job, your city and your life in general? Is there supposed to be a specific time limit for all this? Like say for example, you can change your job every 3 years because it will definitely get boring by then or that you have to move to a new city every 5 years to ensure that monotony doesn't kick in. I dunno. We should totally do something about the rules regarding this. At this rate, I'll die of boredom. Seriously.

I am a very confused and clueless person sometimes. I just wanted to get that cleared out. Just in case if someone feels, what in the name of God is wrong with this woman, I can use the above fact as a very good excuse. I can just say that I had no idea what I was thinking. And if the defence of insanity works in the Indian Penal Code, the defence of confusion should totally work in our day to day life. I am going to have some fun with this one.

Tee hee! How I love the quirky and wonderfully weird comics at Cyanide & Happiness. You will see a lot of these on my blog for the obvious reasons. This is totally my kind of humour besides their stick figures or cartoons or what-you-may-call-it are completely cute. Me likey.

Monday, 9 April 2012

We are all Alices in our Wonderlands....

Awesome rhymes with Possum. Just saying. I think possums are highly under rated animals. They are super cute and according to Wikipedia, they are carriers of bovine tuberculosis, which probably isn't a good thing, but its fascinating. We should totally import some in India and breed them like crazy. I want to see possums hanging from every tree. It would be an interesting sight. Anyway, speaking of under rated animals, The Meerkat, Otter and Platypus are just as awesome as the possum. I am going to talk about them to random people and generate interest. They should all get as popular as the Panda, which is one of the cuddliest things to have ever walked on earth. I mean, have you seen the Panda handle its babies? Its downright adorable!

After months of deliberation, I have finally gone ahead and coloured my hair a shade of deep copper red. How does it look? Pretty great actually. I really wanted to try this since a long time and a couple of grey hairs was the perfect excuse. I roped in my bai to do the needful. I cannot dream of spending 5000 bucks at a salon to do something that even my maid can do. Turns out, she did a pretty good job, except that she could not handle the brush thingie with her hands swathed in plastic gloves (which I forced her to wear despite her refusal) So she just scooped up the colour from the dish and plastered it all over my head. It was quite fast and in the end when she piled my hear up in a bun to let the colour kick in, it all seemed good. HM was hanging around and commenting on how the hair colour reminded him of an old muslim man's henna streaked beard. The bai and I were on a mission so we just ignored him. Half an hour later, when I had a bath and stepped out, I had a head full of beautiful red hair, except my scalp was the same colour too! I had a major panic attack because I have waist long hair that ends at the small of my back and I HAVE to tie it up in a ponytail, french braid or chopstick bun and sometimes the scalp near my hairline shows. I stayed calm because I didn't want HM to get a good laugh out of it. I rubbed some shampoo onto the visible scalp areas and washed it off. Thankfully, the colour faded off to quite an extent. The bai turned up later to examine her workmanship and said I looked pretty :) I'm just psyched to have saved a few thousand bucks. HM had no silly comments when he saw the end result. Mission accomplished!

I just spoke to my dogs over the phone. Is that a crazy thing to do? I mean, if its okay to talk to them in person, then it surely is fine if you spoke to them over the phone. HM who was holding the cell phone to their ears (Cannot expect them to do that themselves) said that P jumped up when she heard my voice and ran around the house looking for me. H, who is slightly more intelligent, rolled her eyes and heard every word intently and wagged her tail :)
Aren't my girls precious?

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Smelly cat, sm-elly cat....

I asked the office boy to give me a cup of lemon tea from the vending machine. He said, "It doesn't have lemon tea. It has problems." I think the answer was quite hilarious. I laughed really hard and quite loudly, now that I think of it. The office boy looked really scared and the rest of my colleagues just exchanged looks for 5 odd minutes. I really have to understand that not everyone gets my silly jokes and that no matter how funny something is, I should refrain from catching my sides and laughing like an insane person. In public atleast. And 'public' includes my darling husband too. The other day we were watching TV and a commercial for White Tone face powder came on. The ad is an okay one, but see it through my eyes and you'll have a laughing fit. I guffawed for 3 whole minutes and HM finally asked me what I found so amusing. I explained that the husband in the commercial is elated to see a fair wife when he comes back home from work but she'll soon wash her face and go back to looking like her old self. I was imagining how the husband would react to that. It was a pretty funny scene in my head. So I laughed. HM rolled his eyes and asked for a cup of tea. And as an afterthought added, "You should have a cup of tea too. Seriously."

The most profitable business in this world has to be the water supply business. As long as there are people, there will be demand for water. I like water. The most awful drinking water has to be the one in Ahmedabad. Funny tasting water. The best drinking water is available in my native place, Udaipur. The water is cool, fresh and sweet. It has some amazing detoxifying properties that cleanse my system completely. Or maybe the cleansing bit happens because I drink too much water and the sheer quantity flushes out the toxins. I dunno. Either ways, I want to buy water from Udaipur and supply it here. Alternatively, I could buy water from Hawaii or Mauritius or other touristy, beachy places and sell the water to some 5 star hotels here. We could have the waters of the pristine beaches of Langkawi in our neighbouring swimming pool. People would totally buy that kind of crap.

My feet smell like...umm, what is this smell exactly? I thinks its radish mixed with apples with just a hint of coconut. Isn't that how celebs describe their signature perfumes? Top notes of vanilla, chamomile and orange blossom, middle notes of some other fragrant crap and base notes of something else that smells nice. For the record, I do not own a single ladies' perfume. I can hear some women gasp. I gifted HM some Azzaro perfume for Valentine's though. I could not be bothered to buy some for myself. HM is pretty good at distinguishing a man's perfume from that of a woman's. Yours Truly can't do even that. I can hear some more gasps. I have no idea how this olfactory illiteracy happened to me. Both my parents are perfume aficionados and even my sister has good taste in fragrances. I just know what kind of smells I like. I love fruity smells. Like strawberry and melon. I like the smell of vanilla and cocoa and also bamboo shoots, freshly mown grass and leather. Even wood smells great and also petrol, kerosene and paint. Anything grilled also smells awesome and the pot pourri my Ma keeps in the bathroom also has a great smell. I could go on and on, but I really want to mention one last fragrance that I love best. It is the fragrance of wet dusty earth after the first rains. Can someone bottle it up please? I might end up buying my first bottle of perfume.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Knick Knacks....

Oh Dear! My Oxford educated English teacher at school used this all the time. If you were late in handing in an assignment, she was all, "Oh Dear". I think its such a classy and sophisticated way to express disappointment. Much better than 'Oh My God'. And since I have started using the F word so sparingly, I think it is time to reign in my tongue and start being a little more ladylike. Oh Dear.

If I could, I'd behave like Captain Jack Sparrow all the time. I think I can be quite eccentric if permitted. Part of me is just mad at the world because it doesn't let me be ME. Except that even I am a little wary of myself. I cannot imagine the weird things I'd do if I was allowed to be ME. It is safer to be a tuned down version of yourself and not let your inner demons and angels take over your façade and destroy it, thus baring your true self for everyone to see. It wouldn't be the wisest thing to do. Oh Dear.

I have finally taken a liking to basic make-up. Blame it on the beauty blogs I frequent daily. I started doing it for fun, but now some products have really caught my fancy. Like the cheek tint for instance. And I discovered a great trick to make your eyes look brighter yet natural without using any make-up. Its called tight-lining. Wow. Look at me. I'm turning into a diva. Is that a good thing? I dunno.

I have never been a gadget freak or whatever those people are calling themselves lately. But I want the iPad oh so badly. I have no idea how to use it and HM tells me that the OS is not Windows and since I can't use even Windows properly, how the hell am I going to work on something that I've never used? I don't really care two hoots about all that technicality. I just want the iPad and then I'll figure out what to do with it. Just give it to me! Now! (stamps feet and throws tantrum) Oh Dear.

I want me some chocolate walnut fudge, a fizzy drink, a big bag of chips and all the episodes of HIMYM or Friends on my laptop (which is currently with my sis, who has reduced it to a useless piece of paraphernalia) I could live like that, you know. With nothing else. Maybe some fried chicken once in a while. I have an unhealthy obsession with fried chicken. If only life was so easy... (sighs and shakes her head)

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

I am Back!

Breaking News. I can use my right hand again. I was feeling utterly clumsy with the crepe bandage and since I believe that wounds heal themselves naturally (old school, I know) off came the bandage and I danced around for a full 15 minutes till HM decided that I had finally lost it. I just had to come and post something, so here I am. Except that its almost time to go home from work and I cannot blog at home because I have plenty of other tasks on my hand. My boss will be thrilled when he realises that almost all my blog posts were written while I was at work. So much for productivity. Anyway, I'll definitely continue this tomorrow. It will be on my priority list. Till then, Adios!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Oh the pain, the agony.....

Dear Blog,
Contrary to the obvious, I am not neglecting you. Or maybe I am, but I have a very good reason to do so. I have a sprained wrist which is currently swathed in crepe bandage and since it is my right wrist, it is making mundane activities a little cumbersome and painful. Therefore, you, my beloved blog are going to have to bear with me for a while and not complain about being ignored/neglected.