Oh no! Not you again!

Chalo people! Gear up for some more nonsense. Me is back after a really long hiatus. I wasn't busy or something haan, just to make it clear. This firewall thingie got installed at work and all my internet dreams got shattered ya. And what the hell? Who blocks blogger but not wordpress? Yahoo answers is blocked but wikipedia works. Total pagalpan, I tell ya. Anyhoo, I managed to get hold of a laptop with a good internet connection and so I am back! Will be posting some awesomely insane stuff very soon. Till then, Toodles, y'all!

The not so idiotic things on the idiot box...

Someone asked me to put up a list of things I like to watch on TV. Firstly, I have to admit that as far as the TV is concerned, there is complete despotism at my place. HM is the master of the remote control and I don't  see the point in rebelling as I don't really mind watching the same things that he likes to watch. I have heard about epic remote control wars happening at various homes and I don't see the point. Why fight over something that can be watched on YouTube the next day? And why do you HAVE to see something or anything on the TV at all when you have books? Read something, I say. Anyway, all that aside, here is a list of sitcoms and series that I like to watch on the TV or the computer or wherever there is a screen that can transmit stuff.

1. Modern Family: This has got to be the most hilarious sitcom ever. I guffaw like an idiot when I watch this one. Need I say more? Oh and it won a ton of Emmys this year, so there.

2. Parks and Recreation: Full of delightful characters and abundant satire about the inner workings of the Local Government. Simply brilliant.

3. How I met Your Mother: I watch this only because it reminds me of 'Friends' and its kind of funny too. I'll watch anything as long as its funny.

4. Taarak Mehta Ka Ulta Chashma: For all those who think only English sitcoms can be funny, watch this. 

5. Cheesy, badly dubbed Tamil/Telugu/Kannada/Malayalam movies with the most shocking dance moves and an array of weirdly dressed Actors and Actresses. They have the best Villains.

6. New Girl: I have a thing for Zooey Deschanel. I adore her.

7. 2 Broke Girls: Anybody who likes or is a superbly sarcastic person with a caustic sense of humour will love this sitcom. Plus it has Kat Dennings. What's not to like?

8. The Middle: This sitcom will be loved by young and old alike. It is heart-warming and funny at the right places.

9. Glee: Only because I love music and drama and this has both with a generous sprinkling of witty humour.

10. Gossip Girl: It is addictive and it has the best dressed and best looking people as the cast. It is a style and fashion guide in itself. It made me wear a hair band with a bow. Enough said.

11. Masterchef Australia: IT IS ABOUT FOOD! Do I need more reasons to watch it?

12: Food safari, Man versus Food, Feast Bazaar, Poh's Kitchen and every other food show ever created. If its about food, I WILL WATCH IT.

13. Phineas and Ferb, Courage the cowardly dog, Dexter's laboratory etc:  Because you are never too old for cartoons.

14: Keeping up with the Kardashians: I don't know how to explain why I watch it. Maybe give it a go yourself and you'll know why.

This is quite the comprehensive list, isn't it? I do watch other stuff too. I like random documentaries on Discovery and Animal Planet or Nat Geo. But HM tends to watch all this more than I do. 

So we're done here. Feel free to tell me what you like to watch! Toodles, Y'all!

Me is turning into the first ever non religious saint...

Nirvana is the stage when you learn to block out the noises outside your head to hear the voice inside it. It is simple isn't it?

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Not that I have turned into a big fan of religion, but I think reading the Bhagwad Gita again will be a good idea. When you're born into a specific religion, you sort of have no choice but to get sucked into following it for the first few years of your life. You go with the flow as you really don't get the concept of religion at such a young age. I first read the Gita when I was really young and consumed with the new found knowledge of words. I was a voracious reader and I literally read just about everything in the house. My mom had to hide her 'grown-up' books in a locker. Then there was this day when we ran out of books that could be read by me. My Grandpa was in the midst of some pilgrimage at that time and he found these English versions of the Mahabharat, the Gita, the Ramayan and several other books. He bought all of them for me. I devoured each one in the next few weeks and I was suddenly the kid in the house who had read the Gita, the Ramayan and the Mahabharat. My parents proudly asked me about obscure mythological characters at family functions and I was ready with a bio-data on each one of them. Sample this:

Mom: Beta, who was Meghnaad?

Me: Meghnaad was the son of Raavan and Mandodari. There was a loud flash of lightning when he was born and so they called him 'Meghnaad' or the roar of the clouds. He defeated Indra in battle and was called Indrajit as well. He was killed by Laxman.

Needless to say, this was very good entertainment for everyone. Cousins grew jealous of me and cursed me when their parents pushed them into reading religious scriptures. Grown ups were ashamed at the lack of their own knowledge. I was asked about countless deities and asuras and the stories behind them. At school, while kids recited Aesop's fables in class. I shocked them all with stories of Poothana who tried to kill Krishna with the poisoned milk in her breast. I regaled them with Soorpanakha's tale which ultimately lead to the kidnapping of Sita. I knew everything. What I didn't know is why knowing all this was important. I don't think I really learnt any major lessons through all that reading. It was all just one big novel for me where gods battled the asuras and won and how good always wins over evil. Later in my life when I saw evil winning all the time, I lost interest and faith both. Today I call myself an agnostic bordering on atheism and I don't intend to give religion or god another chance. But I'm just going to read the Gita again. Maybe I missed out on some profound knowledge that is hidden somewhere inside. My grandpa claims that once you truly understand it, it changes your life and you. I don't know. But it won't hurt to try. 

Stuff that creeps up on you when you're not looking...

Some people just seem to be begging, "Get mad at me! Get mad at me!" and I cannot really give in to such childish demands so I annoy them by not getting mad at them. Then they get mad at me for not getting mad at them. Humans never made sense to me.
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The loss of love can alter people in ways that they alone are aware of. Its like a little secret stowed away in a warm place inside their heart. Such things are truly personal. These are the only things that deserve attention and attachment at the end of the day. You can let everything else go.
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I like being the slightly crazy woman who has bouts of sanity every now and then. Life is fun for me. I sit at my window and think profound things and sometimes, I just look at the sky and draw shapes with the clouds or I look down at the stray dogs milling on the street and ask them what they had for lunch. The answer is always the same, 'Garbage'. Sometimes I make sense and sometimes I don't. Actually most of the times, I don't. What's the point in making sense all the time? This compulsive and continuous need to make sense somehow doesn't make sense to me.
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So I went to the mutton market with HM last Sunday and it was dirty and stinky as usual and as I was picking my way through an assortment of innards, I saw this little white lamb just sitting there in a corner, cowering in fear, the smell of death all around. And then I cried and it was all very embarrassing as I weaved my way out, sniffling and wiping my face with my sleeves. I don't really eat mutton unless I'm force fed by HM so I have an affinity for goats, I guess. They don't qualify as 'food' for me. I then wondered if I'd feel the same way for a baby chick. I love eating chicken by the way. Chicken is 'food' for me and that's why I'm okay with killing chickens but I can't bear to see a lamb being slaughtered. How convenient. I then felt like a hypocrite and it wasn't a very good feeling. Me no likey.

Knick knacks

This day did not start so well. I woke up feeling drunk. Not hung over, mind you, just drunk. Stoned even. I could have easily put in another 4 hours of sleep if I didn't have to wake up and make HM some tea. That's how drunk with sleep I was. I couldn't walk straight and I just didn't want to open my eyes even if it meant banging into furniture and crashing into walls. But I finally did wake up after 5 whole minutes of somnambulism and all was blurry and out of focus like being in a dream. To cut the long story short, its almost noon and I'm still craving the warm confines of my bed. being drunk with sleep is by far the most amazing kind of intoxication. Its way too good for words.

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One of my not so favourite shoes, broke a heel today. The other shoe is just fine and now I'm wondering how bad its going to feel and how unfair it is for me to put it out of business just because its partner lost a heel. I can almost hear it complaining, "But...I didn't even do anything wrong! Why am I getting fired for no fault of mine?" I'm feeling slightly bad. I always feel bad about these pairs where one is useless and the other is just good to go. Sometimes you have to throw out the useless one and since the good one is also rendered useless as it lacks its partner, it has to go too. Not in my world though. I have a lot of shoes, gloves, socks and earrings etc that have long been separated from their dead twin. I have no idea what to do with them but I can't throw them away. I'm weird that way.

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I hate the word 'abyss' for no apparent reason. 

Bappa Morya!

Happy wala Ganesh Chaturthi to everyone! I personally connect with bappa. Not because I'm particularly  religious or something, but because he is such a happy go lucky kind of fellow, you know. With the pot belly, the elephant head and the tiny mouse and all that, he just seems like he really doesn't care about what people think. He's all quirky and bohemian. That kind of personality really scores points with me. Besides his dad is kinda cool too. My mother is a devotee of Shivji and she always told me these awesome stories about him and I was also named after his wife. Parvati had many names and one of them was Aditi which means 'the mother of the gods'. Parvati was bestowed with this name after she gave birth to Ganeshji. By the way, Ganeshji was apparently created out of the dirt  from Parvati's body. They were ascetics, you see. Shivji and Parvati were living in the Himalayas and it is freezing out there, so I can imagine how difficult it must be to bathe. Anyway, she rubbed the dirt out of her body, fashioned it into a little boy and stationed him at the bathroom door to guard it while she took a leisurely 'once a year' kind of bath. Shivji came along and demanded to see his wife and this kid at the door just wouldn't let him in. Shivji was a temperamental person (not exactly a very good thing to be, especially when you're God and all) and he chopped off Ganeshji's head in a fit of rage. Parvati came out after everything (much like the Indian Police) and she was pissed at her husband for destroying her creation. So she threw a major tantrum and Shivji was so overwhelmed, he didn't know what to do. I have no idea who suggested the elephant head to him, but that's what he did. He chopped off an elephant's head and affixed it to Ganeshji's body. major geometrical and scientific doubts over here, but well, the gods can do whatever they want and apparently they are allowed to kill, cut and slaughter at their own free will while we are condemned if we do the same. Anyway, Ganeshji was born and since elephants are inherently intelligent creatures, he was blessed with the same intelligence. He is the god of wisdom and knowledge and is famously known as the 'Vighnaharta' or the one that banishes troubles. I think I've given everyone a pretty good lesson in mythology and now you can all go eat some modaks to celebrate. Me is going to eat some too. Toodles!

Blah

I don't have much to write these days. But I have to let everyone know this, don't I? Hence this post. How creative am I exactly, huh?

I'm bad at making up titles. I really am.

I just want to ask some people upfront, "What is wrong with you?" I don't get it when people behave in the meanest way possible for no apparent reason. Like, did someone just cut out their heart and replace it with, I dunno, a toilet paper roll? I really can't think of anything else. Also, the other day I was just thinking what it would be like if we could round up all the meanies and put them in one half of the world and the sweet, kind and generous people could be put in the other half. Then we could just have two countries. One good and the other bad. It will be an interesting social experiment to see how differently both countries are managed and who does a better job. It will be such an eye opener, I tell you. I'm going to write a letter to the concerned person and suggest this brilliant plan except I don't know who exactly is in charge of this big hot mess we call our world. There really should be one president for the whole world who overlooks the other presidents. We could ask Switzerland to send someone for the post. Hmmm....
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I am living one day at a time. Literally. But isn't everyone doing the same? I mean, everyone lives just one day at a time. That's the only way to live, no?
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I saw GoW II and it was dripping with awesomeness. Anurag Kashyap is brilliant. I want a part III and IV and many more.
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I'd like to be left alone for the rest of my life. Like for real.

Little cycle? Why you so expensive?

"Oh God! Where the hell have you been? What makes you do this to me? Huh?"
This is exactly what my blog would say to me if it could talk. I totally deserve such backtalk. I just disappear suddenly and leave my blog out there in the world wide web, desperate to get some attention from me. Then one day I show up, write some stuff and flit off again. I'm not a very responsible blogger. But I get away with it since not many people come around here looking for wisdom. So its all fine.
Baaki khabar mein toh, HM and I bought ourselves a bicycle. It was obviously a last minute impulsive buy and it would have never happened if I hadn't come home early last Saturday. But I got back home early because I was bored to death at work and there are only so many sitcoms that I can watch with a poker face. So I came back and saw a rather bored HM sprawled on the sofa. He had been bickering about the lack of exercise in his life and he'd been visiting gyms and boxing clubs to figure out which one he should join. He can't really pick weights and stuff due to various old injuries, so all he can do now is run on the treadmill and use the cycling machine. We were just throwing ideas around when we both decided to get an actual bicycle instead. Now according to my knowledge (limited, ofcourse) a good cycle costs around 4-10k. I had visions of my old BSA cycle as we made our way to the cycle shop. All the good Indian cycles I knew  cost below Rs.10,000. Around here, a cycle is what you buy when you can't afford even a second hand moped. So I happily took my debit card along to pay for the new 'two wheeler'.We reached LifeCycle near Swargate and all my dreams of buying a cheap cycle were shattered when I learnt that the cheapest cycle they had there was for Rs.25,000. I literally laughed at the poor salesman. Needless to say, he was not amused and he pointed out a cycle with a Rs. 5,50,000/- price tag on it and shook his head sadly as I frantically gulped down air in a bid to save myself from fainting on the spot. We had come to the wrong place. This air-conditioned, swanky, multi-storeyed cycle showroom did not stock a single Indian brand. I was mortified and I wanted to throw some 'swadeshi' style patriotic slogans around but I didn't. HM immediately started checking out the various firangi cycles and I started doing some math in my head. An hour later, we had burnt a BIG hole in our pockets. Rs. 32,000/- to be precise. HM rode back home proudly on his new spanish Orbea MTB bicycle and I trundled behind on the bike. So now we are the proud owners of the most expensive bicycle in the neighbourhood. People are probably calling us stupid but when I breeze past on our shiny new cycle and play with its 21 odd gears, I swear to god, nothing feels better. 

Truce! Where the hell is my white flag?

So this 'Whatsapp" things has got me pretty excited for no apparent reason. It's supposedly old news by now but technologically challenged people like me have realised the awesomeness of it very recently. Just last week, to be precise. My younger sister showed me how to use it and I've been jumping around ever since. Then there was this one day when HM told me that all my 'Whatsapping' will lead to a humongous bill. I was scared out of my wits and I deleted my account. That lead to a barrage of questions from my sister. Most, no all of those questions were about my level of intelligence. I didn't feel offended because I really am a dummy when it comes to stuff like this. Talk about generation gap and all. And I was thinking I belonged to THIS generation. Doh!
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Bang bang a bangity bang a bang bang bangity bang. Bang!
I just wanted so say that once.
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I've been having nonsensical nightmares that elude my memory the moment I wake up in the morning. Only the unpleasantness remains. Then I spend a considerable amount of time trying to remember what the nightmare was. I don't and then I get confused and totter around the house like an idiot. Poor HM has to put up with a delusional wife every morning and I feel sorry for him.
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If I don't quit my job soon, I'll turn into a rather morose person and I'm really not ready for such a drastic change in personality. I have to start on something creative and fun and I gotta do it pronto (Runs around in circles)
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dandelions reminds me of dandruff...

'Long time, no see' is probably the most grammatically incorrect sentence there is. I have absolutely no idea why people use it all the time. Anyway, I'm back after a really long time and in case you're wondering what I was up to, the answer is 'nothing'. I was just doing what I usually do. Wasting time, going to work and wasting some more time, coming back home and cooking stuff. Nothing very interesting. Also, in a fit of exasperation I gave away my pug Z to this guy who really wanted her badly. Z was hyperactive and super cute but I had to keep her locked up because she wouldn't let H and P sit peacefully even for a minute. She was biting H all over and annoying P by chasing her all over the place. It was good fun to watch but it isn't very amusing when you're trying to cook and this little googly eyed puppy is just sprinting around your legs and tugging on the ends of your nightgown. I love Z but for her own good, I had to let her go. Her 'adoptive parent' has just informed us that she's doing pretty well and he managed to get her to poop outside. Quite an accomplishment, I must say. I could never make her do that. Z is supposedly happy at her new home and while she might have forgotten me already, I am beginning to miss her terribly now. Aww...
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I spent quite some time thinking about the repercussions of my sudden and untimely death, if it were to happen. I'm morbid, I thought I told you.
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HM is getting lazier by the day. I thought I was lazy, but when compared to him, I'll probably qualify as a very hard working individual. Ironically, my MIL is exactly opposite to both of us. She works all day long and she is quite old, okay. We both should be ashamed, but we're evidently not. She is what I'd call a 'workaholic'. She just keeps at it all day long and sometimes, she works late into the night, rolling laddoos, frying karanjis, marinating chicken. She just conjures up new tasks when she finishes the ones at hand. I cannot do that ever. I just wait to finish everything so I can sit back and do nothing. I love doing nothing. I really do.
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Trips and Journeys and the difference between them...

I am losing a little bit of patience every day. I don't know what I will do when I finally have none left.
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'The Dark Knight Rises' is epic. I was touched and inspired by the film. Every character is portrayed as a hero/achiever and that is a wonderful thing to do. The best part is Bruce Wayne learning life lessons in the underground jail/well and finally making his escape. I had tears in my eyes. What a film.
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Its raining outside. I feel like there are clouds inside my head. The lazy ones, which just drizzle half heartedly all day and make everything wet, but don't soak through anything. I like it when the rain comes down in torrents, pouring angrily. Soaking and washing away just about everything. Lightning usually comes along to make things interesting. I am hoping to spend a monsoon in Cherapunji. Just to see how it feels.
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I'm thinking that people have interpreted intimacy in the worst way possible. I feel that you know a person intimately only when you've seen that person cry, get really furious, throw stuff around, squirm and wince in pain and maybe scream in agony. I could be wrong....
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Oh and before I sign off, let me tell you that there is a very big difference between trips and journeys. Go figure.

I won't because I don't want to!

And that is the reason I'm not posting anymore. I will when I feel like it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next month. Who knows?

Dutty boy...

Nayi khabar mein toh, I finally got my fringe and I'm already regretting it a little. Not that it doesn't look cute, which it does and its inviting a lot of compliments too. But I sort of miss looking at my forehead everyday, which is kinda weird. It belongs to me and I can look at it any time, but you know how it is...
Also made biryani for the second time and it was better than the first batch! Am I the most awesome cook or what? It was so unexpected, you know. I was making yummy food noises and praising myself with every mouthful of the delicious biryani while HM ate his in complete silence. Food does not excite him as much. I took major offence and bugged him to say something nice about my cooking, which he didn't. He had three helpings, so I know he liked it but he just does stuff like this to annoy me. Husbands, I tell ya...
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So I was hanging out at the office lobby and one of the receptionists told me that some spineless lowlife in Assam committed rape and then this stupid newsreader gave away the victim's name on national television. This has obviously lead to nationwide uproar and everyone is calling the newsreader an idiot and  how she could do this when she herself is a woman and blah blah blah.... This is so typical of us Indians. We completely sidetrack the main issue and we spend a lot of time bickering about irrelevant things, like in this case, the moronic newsreader. Maybe the Teleprompter was at fault, who knows? And besides, is this the problem at hand? Are we equally enraged at the man who committed the crime? Are we discussing on amending the law so that rapists can be punished more severely? Holy cow no! We are instead calling a newsreader stupid. Like, wow. We really are a big bunch of idiots put together, aren't we?
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Mushrooms are nothing but stinky little umbrellas for bugs...

I've almost finished watching the first season of New Girl and I am slightly obsessed with the bangs that Zooey Deschanel and Hannah Simone are sporting. I want bangs so badly now, its not even funny. For the record, I did have a haircut with bangs some months ago but it all grew back. I have already called my regular hairdresser and badgered him to give me an appointment.ASAP. He now works for some fashion magazines in Mumbai and shuttles between Pune and Mumbai to keep his appointments. I cannot imagine having anyone else cut my hair. He is a L'Oreal Professional and really knows his job. Anyway, I am pretty excited. I must be a very shallow person, you know. Things like a new haircut or a new shade of nailpaint are enough to excite me. Either that or then I am a very naive person. God alone knows.

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Bandra has a Farmers' market on Sundays. Lucky people ya. All we have here is the filthy Shivaji Market with Meat, Chicken, Fish, Vegetables, Fruits, Crockery, Pasta, Herbs and Bangles all thrown in together in a big dirty mess. HM and I visit every Sunday to buy meat for the dogs and vegetables and fruits for us. If you know where to look, you will actually find quite and amazing variety of things that you possibly did not hope to find in a place like this. For example, the fish market has wonderful lobsters and red snappers. Good quality and pretty cheap too. Also, this shop in the vegetable section sells the most amazing asparagus and avocados and do not get me started on the cherry tomatoes and zucchini. They all look so nice and colourful when arranged together. On second thoughts, maybe we don't really need a farmers' market. We're good.

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I am a lazy person. Way too lazy. Which is why I will only write this much today. No more. 

Toodles, Y'all

If you're silly and you know it, just sit there and hum a showtune...

Last week, I found this quaint little book store on 2435 East street. It is an awesome place filled with dusty bookshelves and it is very cramped too, but the good kind of cramped. HM and I sort of wandered in and I was instantly reminded of the library at the Bombay High Court. Same dusty old bookshelves and slightly dank odour coupled with the lovely vibe of profound wisdom that only comes from old books. I was instantly mesmerized and felt a lot like I'd fallen down the famous rabbit hole and arrived in wonderland. Very few places make me feel like this. While I twirled around like a drunk idiot, HM bought the latest issue of Harvard Business Review. Surprising, since just about everything in the store was quite old. The payment counter had an old tin box with a handle and the owner was stuffing his money in it. No cash register and all. I was then convinced that the old world charm was just a result of plain languidness on part of the owner. He presumably had a computer in the back because I happened to ask him about Arundhati Roy's books and he conjured up a printed list of her complete works in no time and also declared that he had all of them. Very impressive. I also spotted the latest issues of every fashion magazine on earth and I just wanted to jump around in excitement but I didn't. Some of them were way out of my budget. Anyhoo, if you're in Pune and you like books you should totally visit this place. It looks really unimpressive and plain from the outside but don't be judgemental about it. It has a really good collection and I can't wait to go back and get some more books.
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In other news, I saw this completely naked man on my way to work. His nudity wasn't the jarring kind and I was more bothered about the fact that he didn't have any clothes on in this bad weather. I was instantly reminded of HM's old clothes and raincoat and how the 'nangu aadmi' could use them. But I don't know if it would be appropriate for a woman to approach a nude stranger with a bundle of old clothes. I mean, in my head it is a pretty okay thing to do if you consider the thought behind it, but as HM would say, "It would be wrong on so many counts". Sometimes I feel like people overthink normal stuff and then everything begins to feel and look wrong. Too much of thinking never did anyone any good. But I suppose now the 'nangu aadmi' will have to roam around like that till I can convince some man to go deliver the old clothes to him. I'm thinking that it will be a difficult task because even that would be 'wrong on so many counts' if you think about it. Pwah!
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I tried my hand at making Chicken Biryani and it turned out so good! I marinated the chicken overnight and it made the meat very flavourful. I also fried some onions and chopped up a lot of coriander and mint and put all this on top of the rice when I layered all of it on the chicken. Some of the chicken caught the pan and it didn't burn. Instead, it got this wonderful smoky flavour and that was just too good for words. I am going to make some more biryani very soon. Yum!
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This picture is for all those who like me, love the monsoons but only from the warm confines of their comfortable homes. I have had the very educational experience of walking around in the rain during my stint in Mumbai. My office was at the Bandra Kurla Complex and the Kurla station is synonymous to unspeakable filth during the rains. I have walked around in knee-deep sewage water to get to work on time, dressed in expensive trousers from Globus and a very nice F21 blazer. Good times.

Rudder is Udder with an R.

It is a dull day. There is a general feeling of confusion around and everyone appears to be slightly lost. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go and oddly, this lack of activity is a refreshing change. I can feel a dull, throbbing pain in my head but it isn't bothering me much. I am feeling weird inside. I am trying to think of something that will make me feel better but nothing's coming up. I am just sitting and writing out all this and it is not helping, but it's not making matters worse either. I have to stop.

Oh Womaniya....

I do not understand why people think GoW is a violent film. It is a little graphic with all that blood strewn all over and the slaughter house scenes and stuff but other than that, I don't think it's violent at all. I for once enjoyed the film. I would totally watch it again. Besides, what is the big deal about the film being too long? It's not longer than 'Border' or 'LOC' is it? Didn't think so either.
The film is riveting, has the simplest of plots put forth in the most unique way ever and do not get me started on Manoj Bajpayee. That man be awesome.
Also, this Richa Chadda lady has been on my radar since her meaty little role in Oye Lucky Lucky Oye. She surpasses herself in GoW and plays Nagma with elan. One of the best performances by an actress till date. I say, give her some awards this year!
Best scenes for me would be all the ones where Nagma is swearing at her scumbag of a husband while effortlessly displaying her obvious love for him. The womaniya rocks.
The other brilliant womaniya in the film is Sneha Khanwalkar who provides the pulsating soundtrack for this power packed film. Lets face it, it isn't easy to notice the music in a movie which has so much going on in terms of the plot and innumerable characters. But the music manages to grab you and adds to the rustic charm of the film. All in all, the critic in me is singing praises. Don't miss this one.

This is Garbage. Hi Garbage!

I once called this suicide helpline just to see how they function. I had a truck load of problems to recite and the guy on the other line totally thought I was going to kill myself. He very calmly told me that life is beautiful and I should not even THINK of dying. I asked him how he would feel if I went ahead and killed myself anyway. He then begged me to not do it, asked for my address and offered to send some volunteers over to help me. I was really pleased with him. He seemed like the sort of person who could genuinely help people who were contemplating on making that final journey to hell. Don't raise your eyebrows. The first lesson I learnt about suicide was that people who commit it, get a sure shot ticket to hell. There was just no other place for them. This suicide talk reminds me of this quirky classmate I had during my first year of Grad school. We were all studying Arts and we had Philosophy in our curriculum. Needless to mention, I didn't take it up and went for Political Science instead. But this dude was totally into it. One fine day I trooped into college looking like I'd lost my mind (which happened almost thrice a week) and I was informed solemnly that said dude had killed himself. I did not know how to react. I was also told that he had written a letter saying that nobody was supposed to be blamed and everyone should take this lightly as he was just passing over to the other side to see how it felt. How the hell did he plan to share his findings with us? I remember feeling extremely stupid that day. I kept going back to the day I had last seen him. I tried hard to recall his expressions. Had he already made up his mind by then or was it a last moment decision? I wanted to go back in time, slap some sense into him and take him out for a slushie. I was at a place in my life where a slushie could make me forget my sorrows and move on. Was he at a different place? I don't know. I never will.

'Morbid' could be my middle name...

I'm not sure people enjoy being told that after everything that they have achieved, they will die a painful death. I was met by blank stares when I expounded this theory at work. I was simply stating the obvious. Doesn't everyone die irrespective of what they have or have not achieved in life? And does anyone take any of those achievements with them? One could have spent half of his life trying to own that 2 BHK house in that posh area of town and then after finally buying it and spending a few years basking in its glory, one will ultimately die and leave the house behind. Mind you, I am not just thinking these things, I am saying it all aloud, in the presence of other people. These people just stared at me like I'd lost my mind or something, till someone piped up and said that achievements don't necessarily mean materialistic ones alone. Said piper wanted to know how can one forget kindness, love and other sappy stuff that people leave behind? That stuff is way more important than a house, a car or a booming business. I looked at said piper with an expression of utmost pity and told him to remember the last act of kindness done unto him. I can talk in biblical language on demand. It is one of my special talents. Anyway, piper couldn't recall anything and I told him that irrespective of whatever sappy crap he was talking about, out of sight is out of mind and there is just no other way to it. People were going to forget him soon enough and get along with their lives and therefore, one should always remember to not stress about losing out on something in life as no one else would get it either. We are all going to die. At this moment, another smart fellow pointed out that we were all going to die this year and we should all quit our jobs and do other interesting stuff while we still had the time. I totally agree.

The GM Diet. Day 2.

After a largely unsuccessful attempt on Day 1, I decide to be a little more focussed on Day 2.
Today is a fruits only day. You can eat all the fruits that you want. It isn't really an incentive. One can only eat a couple of fruits in a day. But I have to try.

HM leaves at his usual time. I've given him a lunch box full of pineapple, sweet limes and some radish. Radish is probably not a fruit. Okay, its definitely not a fruit. But the mangoes I bought turned out to be sour, so I had to give him radish instead.

I get down to my daily workout (if you can call a couple of push ups and squats a 'workout'). I've learnt some new exercises on this YouTube video. I try them and start sweating and panting. That just means it works! I am quite happy. I do the exercise for 15 minutes.

Hunger kicks in as usual. 8-9 am is when I feel most hungry. I open the fridge to get some fruits but I spot the dosa batter and leftover prawn curry again. I curse myself for repeating yesterday's pattern but eat the dosa and prawn curry anyway.

I head to work with 3 cucumbers (not fruits, I know) and 2 sweet limes. I eat the cucumbers around 12:00 pm and send the peon down to get me a chicken burger from Baker's Basket. I stuff my face with it and peace is restored inside.

I finish work and head home. I pick up a watermelon, some kiwi fruits and pears on the way. At home, HM is sneezing and coughing and dripping phlegm all over the place (I'm exaggerating. I just happen to hate phlegm).

I am a tad bit worried about HM who is blowing his nose loudly and looking really sick. I head out to buy him some medicines and remember that my doctor had prescribed me some capsules that I never bought. I buy those as well. They turn out be capsules of Omega 3 and Omega 6 fatty acids. I look bewildered. I don't know why she would prescribe me 'fatty' acids. My very limited scientific knowledge does not help. I shrug and come back home with all the medicines.

HM is looking like a mess. He demands real food. He doesn't want rice or rotis or vegetables. Prawn curry and dosa batter to the rescue. He finishes the prawn curry with the dosas and I can see some colour return to his cheeks. Poor guy. I eat the dosas with raw mango chutney. Dessert is a piece of malai sandwich each.

We hit the sack and I am now worried about Day 3. HM is mumbling something incoherently. I ask him if he needs anything. He wants to know if we can just postpone this diet till he gets over the cold. I am happy to oblige.

Thus ends my diet. Kilos lost: None. Kilos gained: None.

The GM diet. Day 1

I couldn't go on a diet even if I really wanted to. I love food way too much and when you're blessed with a great metabolism like mine, there's no reason not to. But lately, I've put on a few kilos and old clothes don't fit me. I struggle to button up the jeans that I wore in college and my T-shirts have an unsightly little bulge as they're way too tight to accommodate my ballooning tummy. Still, I can never think of giving up food to lose weight. But HM decided to do the GM diet this week to detox his system and I joined in. Here's an account of Day 1.

Day 1 is supposed to be a day of fruits and fruits alone. But I forgot the exact diet plan and we did a day of vegetables instead.

Our day starts with a cup of black lemon grass tea.

HM leaves around 7:45 with a lunch box full of salad. I made the salad with purple cabbage, corn, yellow bell pepper, cucumber, tomato and some boiled potato. I've given him a separate little box of seasoning, just in case.

I do some push-ups. 3 to be precise. My stomach then starts growling with hunger and instead of eating the salad, I dive into the fridge, fish out the dosa batter and prawn curry, make myself two dosas and eat them with the prawn curry. There. I've already cheated on my diet before it could begin.

I feel guilty, pack the salad in a tiffin and head to work. I feel hungry around 1:00 and I devour the salad like a famished person from Somalia. It is simply not enough. I need some carbs like crazy. I send the peon down to the Baker's Basket outlet and he brings me a Devilled Chicken Ciabatta. I eat it and feel better.

I am feeling stupid because I can't follow a simple diet. I look up on the internet and try to find the number of calories in a Ciabatta. I cannot find a suitable answer so I forget it and carry on with work.

In the evening, I go back home and try to convince HM to eat some normal food like paranthas and sabji. He stubbornly turns down my suggestion. I feel depressed. I cut some asparagus spears, some zucchini and rub them with oil, garlic paste, salt, chilli flakes and pepper. I grill them on the pan while I make an avocado salad with greens. HM wants mashed potatoes with peas and onions and he wants it to be hot. I do the needful and serve him dinner.

I feel like an idiot as I dig into all those veggies. I want to hurl my plate at the wall and wail into my pillow. HM eats like a good kid. He doesn't look annoyed like me. We finish our dinner and I'm craving Tandoori Chicken. There is a restaurant upstairs and wonderful smells are wafting through my kitchen window. I want to rip out my hair and scream.

I open the fridge to get some lemon grass and happen to open the freezer by chance. Okay, not by chance. I am looking for some Ice-cream. I find a tub of Almond ice cream and a brick of butterscotch ice cream that hasn't even been opened yet. I scoop large amounts of both into a big bowl and dig into it. HM eats half of it. Can you blame him? His wife is a glutton.

We both climb into bed. I am already dreading Day 2. Fruits and only fruits.

Oh God. This is not happening to me. Help!

You're mad or what?

"What you doing like a mad person haan? Don't do like this, I'm telling you".
"You don't have other work to do kya? Simply wasting time doing nonsense".
"I will tell your name to my miss".
"Arrey why are you troubling me always? I will beat you okay?"
"Your mother taught you this only na? Stupid".
"Don't come on this side of the bench okay? You are dirty".
"Shhiii! You didn't have a bath na? Yellow yellow dirty fellow".
"What your mother gave you for tiffin? You want to eat my dosa?"
"My father will beat your father na, then you'll understand".
"That miss is always giving remarks. She is mad".
"Why you did not do your maths homework? Now toh you will pakka get punished".
"Chheee! What dirty handkerchief you are using? You will get sick na!"
"You shut up, stupid. No you stupid. Same to you. Mirror. God in middle full stop."

The above sentences were overheard at a lunch break in school. Kids are awesome.

Ergo, I'm not a horse...

I am a fan of 'Hinglish' or whatever they're calling it nowadays. I like talking to people who are experts in the said 'language' if you can call it that. Now for the record, Hindi is my matrubhasha and English is my language of choice, so I prefer to keep them both at their respective places and ensure that I don't mix them up like a poorly made Pinacolada. But people of the Hinglish persuasion beg to differ. They think Hindi and English go together. These are the same people who are most likely to douse their vanilla ice creams with imli ki chutney and exclaim that it is a mind blowing combo. I respect them for being so open to stuff. I like 'open' people, if I dare say so. I am not that open to desecrating the sanctity of two beautiful languages, so I really am in awe of people who are gutsy enough to do it. Sample this conversation:

Me: Hi ABC! How are you?

ABC: Bas, totally fine! You tell me, kya haal chaal hai?

Me: I'm doing good too! How's work?

ABC: What to say? Chal raha hai somehow. That promotion yaar! I want it so badly ke main kuch bhi karunga. Desperate hun yaar!

Me: I understand. You need to work harder. Try and get your work noticed.

ABC: Arrey what you're saying? I've been ghisoing myself daily das das baje tak. Now you tell me, aur kya karun main?

By this time, the Hinglish is beginning to annoy and amaze me at the same time. This mixing has got to require talent because I cannot do it no matter how hard I try. Too bad.
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The coffee machine in my office dispenses a laxative that smells and tastes like coffee but is actually a very effective solution for constipation. I am currently trying to do some research and find out how it works, because it works without fail every single time. You drink a cup of it and in fifteen minutes, you'll find yourself on the pot with a magazine in your hand.
I don't know where the 'reading in the loo' habit originated. It must have been a 'Eureka' moment.
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I'm very sure that I only have moments of sanity. I'm also positive that these moments don't last long and I'm thankful that they don't. I'm not very fond of sane people. And it would be a terrible thing to dislike yourself.
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Sheher nahi Shanghai hai...

There's a reason Shanghai is different. And the storyline is not that reason. If you really want to watch a movie with riveting political drama as its subject, watch RGV's Sarkar and Sarkar Raj. But all you will feel at the end is the satisfaction of being entertained. Shanghai takes political drama to a new level and this level is not for those who only want to be entertained. Shanghai will make you think and that is exactly where the movie scores points with me. I take films very seriously. Which is why I can never be satisfied with movies like Housefull, Desi Boys or  Rowdy Rathore. I need a Parzania or Black Friday to make me happy and Shanghai just got added to that list. The movie has stellar performances by the most unique star cast and each character is built wonderfully. I have always secretly liked Emraan Hashmi even when he was busy snogging random actresses, but now I can openly admit to being a fan. His rendition of Jogi is spot on and does not look like a poor caricature. The character is gullible yet strong and Emraan makes it all the more believable. Abhay Deol is brilliant as IAS officer Krishnan and it is one of his best performances till date. His acting is natural and his character's disarming honesty is a refreshing change from the usual in your face 'deshbhakti' acts that we normally see portrayed on screen. Kalki doesn't look like she has much to do and I've seen her play such kind of angst filled roles earlier. I adored her in Dev D and in the recent ZNMD. It is safe to say that Emraan and Abhay have shadowed her in this one. Prosenjit Chatterjee and Tillotama Shome manage to get noticed inspite of their miniscule parts. Their characters are important and hold the movie together beautifully. Supriya Pathak Kapoor and Farooque Sheikh are a delight to watch and the entire ensemble comes together to give a power packed performance. All in all, Dibakar Banerjee has done a superb job and his attention to detail is praiseworthy. I came out of the theatre feeling elated, satiated and happy. I guess good movies do this to you. Shanghai deserves awards and accolades and I'd definitely buy the DVD and watch the film again and again.

H's story

I have three dogs. I have no idea what drove me to do this unimaginable feat. Maybe the repressed childhood dream of owning a dog had to be realised some day and since it was such an old and nurtured dream, I had to do it thrice. Hence the three dogs. Soon after I got my first dog H, I realised that you do not own the dog. The dog owns you. H was a playful little Labrador pup and sadly enough, she was sick. HM and I didn't have the faintest idea about her illness and we knew nothing about raising a pup. So we went to this quack vet (scum bag) who told us she had developed a slight rash which was common in puppies and it would go away soon. Well, it didn't. A week later it got worse and my poor little H broke out in boils. I rushed her to another vet who announced that we had just brought home a pup that was suffering from a severe case of scabies and that we should return her to the breeder immediately and also file a complaint against him. I was devastated. H had lost all the hair on her tummy and hind side due to the rash. The vet told us that the hair might never grow back and it was best to just return the puppy and get a new one instead. We came back home and H climbed into my lap to sleep. I looked at HM and we both knew at that instance that we were never going to give her back. She was now ours and we loved her. Thus began a series of expensive and time consuming treatments to cure H's scabies. Other dog owners wouldn't let their healthy dogs play with her when she went out for her walk. Poor H would wag her tail and look at them, longing to play. But the infection was highly contagious and nobody even wanted to touch her. I wanted to tell people to stop treating her like some sort of rabid dog. She was by far the most affectionate dog ever. Scabies or no scabies. But we had to put up with all that and I felt really sad for H who would continue to wag her tail at just about everyone who passed her by. Finally after two whole months of daily treatment at home, H's scabs fell off. These two months were very difficult. H was subjected to an hour of cleaning and medication administered by us on a daily basis. She also went through a rather scary and painful dehydration bout in the midst of it all. She had thrown up all over the house and when I took her to the vet in an auto, she threw up on me around 5 times. I'd always imagined I'd be extremely grossed out by stuff like that. But that day, I didn't mind a bit. I even cried when the vet jammed a needle into H's paw to administer saline. I never knew I could feel these things for a dog. But there I was, patting her and telling her that it would all be okay. And she opened her drowsy, tired eyes and looked at me like she understood every word. Another month later, we spotted very mild hair growth on her tummy and  hind side. HM and I almost cried with joy that day. Our baby was finally okay. Another two months later, H stepped out for her walk with the most luxuriant, shiny fur. Not a single bald spot. The other dog owners asked us if we'd gotten rid of  'that sick dog' and refused to believe us when we said that 'this beautiful dog' is the same one. H soon became one of the most loved dogs in the neighbourhood with a really long list of friends (dogs and humans both) and continues to hold the title of 'Most Adorable Dog' till date. And I know that H can't read this blog but I bet she knows that I love her tremendously and this one is for her. I love you, H. You're precious.
As for the other two, I will write about them soon enough. Each one deserves her own post. Till then,
Toodles, y'all!

How to be nonchalant...

No I am not trying to be a 'self help' guru or something. Ironical, since I still need to help myself a lot before I can actually start helping others. Still, I can pride myself on being able to guide people to do stuff that I can do pretty well myself. Being nonchalant is one of them. I am a pro at it. Now for the record, I wasn't always so good at it. I spent quite some time playing the paranoid maniac until it dawned on me that worrying or obsessing about anything does not help at all. It only makes matters worse. That is when I decided to kick the habit. I haven't looked back ever since and I've been clean for a whole year now. Look at me talking about this like I've kicked a drug habit or something. But believe me, it is just as worse. So now I am the queen of nonchalance. Nothing bothers me and even if it does, I get over it in a span of 15 minutes and all is well with my world again. I will now share my secrets with you so you can be just as chilled out as I am.

So here goes:

Do not get vexed about anything at all. It is easier said than done but it can actually be as easy as it sounds if you know how to do it right. Whenever a problem or worrisome situation presents itself, our first instinct is to panic about it. This triggers off the anxiousness and what follows is days of ceaseless worrying. Do you know how much time we waste doing this rather than being calm and finding a better solution to the problem? The only way to not worry is to just stop worrying. It is that simple. Tell yourself that it isn't a big deal and it has a pretty good solution to it that you will find in some time. Organise your mind to start working in the right direction. You will be surprised at how soon your problems will be resolved.

Not all problems have a solution. Understand that as well. Annoying in-laws, colleagues that plot against you, pet dogs that simply fail to obey or a difficult boss, are all very good examples of problems that don't really have a solution. The only thing you can do in such a case is detach yourself altogether. When you do this successfully, you will literally become immune to all the negative words and actions coming your way. No matter how insulting, annoying or infuriating it is, you will just stop getting bothered. The trick is to ignore it all. What cannot be changed has to be accepted and this acceptance should not be a resigned one. It has to be one where words just bounce off you and actions are simply overlooked. This sort of behaviour on your part will slowly start annoying your tormentor and that is almost as sweet as revenge can get. What more do you want?

There are also the 'mundane worries' as I call them, that present themselves to us on a daily basis. Will my maid show up today, will I miss my bus/train, will I get a pay raise this year, are all good examples of things we worry about on a daily basis. Understand that this is just like a daily fix of drugs for your paranoid mind and just like drugs or alcohol, this habit will hamper your life in the long run. The only way to stop doing this is to simply stop doing it. It is actually quite easy to practice. Think about other pleasant things when one of these mundane worries come around to plague you for the day. Just try and be positive about them. Tell yourself that your maid will come on time, you will catch that bus/train and you will definitely get that pay raise this year and even if all that doesn't happen, it will not mean the end of this world. You will deal with it and move on. Easy peasy!

Now that I've shared some wonderful tactics, you can go ahead and fight that war against your worries and emerge unscathed and victorious. Also, you will have the added advantage of being peaceful and calm and with time, you will have achieved a 'Zen' like quality which will not just bring you that much elusive inner peace and harmony, but also longevity and happiness. Your thoughts will be more organised and the clarity will be enviable. This will obviously mean progress. Not just on a personal level but professionally as well. Need I say more? 

How to keep it together when you're both together...

Yeah, I know the title doesn't make much sense. Maybe if you stick around to reading the whole post, it will.
So as most of you know, I've been married to His Majesty or HM for almost a year and a half now. It wasn't the best time of my life and yet it was filled with some beautiful moments that I will cherish forever. There are also moments that I'd rather forget but I just can't. All in all, I learnt one very important lesson. Marriage is not easy. And a love marriage is all the more difficult. But if one tries hard enough, it works. I know that people always say that marriage is not a one way street. Both the parties have to adjust, understand and be kind to each other. Firstly, that is just nice to say and hear. Sometimes the reality will be far from it and one has to be prepared for it instead of expecting something unreal all the time. You may be feeling particularly affectionate but maybe your other half isn't. Sometimes you could be downright rude and your significant other could be unusually kind to you instead. It takes years to be on the same page and even then, one has to always know and understand that you are both very different people who have somehow managed to be in sync with each other. So how should one keep it together in the initial years when everything is new and a lot of it is annoying? There are very simple rules to this. Now firstly, I am no expert on dysfunctional couples and all I'm about to say is completely based on my experience alone. So here goes:

Patience is the most important thing. It may seem like you married the evil twin, but give him/her some time and it will all be okay.

Tolerance is essential. You will be convinced that your partner is doing everything he/she can to annoy you but that isn't the case. He/she is just showing you a side that you are unaware of. Observe and let it be.

Annoyance or anger is not going to help. It will only increase the negativity and by yelling, screaming and nagging, you will provoke your partner to do the same. Pretty soon, things will go from bad to worse and you will be wishing that you hadn't opened your mouth in the first place. Regret is not good, so just hold your tongue before you say or do something nasty.

If you are at the receiving end of your partner's anger or annoyance, simply keep quiet and let them vent it out. They will appreciate you for being calm and will also apologise later if they feel like it. Also, it will encourage them to share their negative feelings with you because you're the one who doesn't judge them when they're angry.

Do not expect your partner to apologise. I am talking to all the wives out there who wait for their husbands to say sorry and basically sulk till they get their apology. It is a cruel thing to do. It is far easier for the wife to say sorry. Atleast for me it is. But men are unintentionally egoistic and they don't believe in apologising. If your husband does say sorry quite often, it is only because he doesn't like the tantrum you throw after he has messed up. Men don't like to apologise and often do it only as a last resort. I don't like doing that to my husband and he makes up for his mistakes without saying sorry out loud. I love that. Most men are exactly like that. Don't wait for an apology and they will make it up to you in better ways. Just remember point 1. Be patient.

Do not start a fight under any circumstances. Always remember that you are going to be with this person till the day you breath your last and it pays to treat them well. You do not want to be remembered as the irritating husband/wife who made their life miserable. If you do not like something about them or you don't agree with one of their actions, find a way to tell them kindly without offending them or hurting their feelings. It may seem like a lot of work when all you can do is yell and scream at them and make them see how mad they've made you. But this is when patience and tolerance come into play. Also it is easier to be angry but more difficult to be calm. Do not take the short cut. This is a life long relationship we're talking about and you may consider wanting to invest more time in handling it well.

Always appreciate and support your partner. They may not do the same to you right away, but it is essential that you do your best to make them realise that you will always be there for them.

Understand your partner. It is essential to know their likes, dislikes and pet peeves to say the very least. Find time to talk to them and if your partner is anything like HM, you'll have quite a task at hand. HM is very quiet and he used to enjoy being left alone. He had been living on his own for more than 7 years and a fellow human in the house was enough to irk him. Most of us are like that. We are not used to sharing our space with others and we can clam up and retire into our shells at such times. If your partner does that, just draw him/her out slowly. Don't bombard them with questions and give them time to get used to you. Very soon, you'll have a talkative, lively person to live with. Patience is the key.

Give your partner his.her space. Let them do the things they like to do. You may not enjoy golfing or reading but he/she does. Let them enjoy their hobbies and pass-times. You can enjoy yours.

Never force your partner to change according to your specifications. Know that nobody is perfect and unless your partner has a serious bad habit that is going to hurt them in the future, do not make them change anything about themselves. Do not do the same for them. Let them know that you are what you are and gradually they will love you for it. The key is to stop being perfect and be more spontaneous instead.

Take time to be with each other inspite of your hectic lifestyles. You will realise that even 15 minutes spent together with love and affection will help you to keep the spark alive. It is okay if you just sit quietly and share a cup of tea. It doesn't matter as long you're in each other's company.

And last but not the least, respect his/her family even if you don't like them that much. Your partner will respect your for being mature enough and putting aside your ego to accommodate his/her family in your life. Know and understand that they are your family too and one does not 'put up' with family. One accepts them the way they are and respects them for it.

And now that I've written the most sensible post to be found on this blog, I deserve a break. I am exhausted after all the serious thinking. But jokes apart, this is exactly how I've learnt to keep it together when I'm with HM. We are like chalk and cheese but we manage pretty well. I hope this post helps other couples to manage just as well. And those of you who have been married for a longer time, do share your nuggets of wisdom. I'm sure you all have great stories to tell and wonderful advice to share.
Toodles, y'all!

The Disclaimer...finally.

I've been wanting to write a disclaimer for a very long time now. Truth is, I have no idea how to add those fancy buttons on my blog and I am way too proud of my inability to deal with technology, so I just cannot bring myself to ask someone for instructions. It will hurt my ego to learn new things on the computer. I am old school that way. I miss the old days when ideas required a notepad and pen. Now we make power point presentations (rolls eyes and shakes head) Anyhoo, I just want all my readers to know a few things about me and my blog and whatever goes on in between. It is somewhat of a disclaimer and I have no other words for it so we're going to call it a disclaimer. So here goes:

If you want stories of hope, love, belief and faith, read someone else's blog or better still, go watch a Karan Johar movie or something. I am not an automated bot but I am out of sync with most of my emotions so I don't really feel the need to talk about all that. I am all grey, I thought I told you. No specific black or white here. 

If I do write something about love, hope, belief,  faith and such other stuff, it is an indication that I am officially down in the dumps. That is when I need to be left alone to mope. You can always leave comments though. I believe a lot in the power of the written word, which is why I'm finalising a plan wherein I'm going to communicate by writing letters to people around me. More on that later...

I am scatterbrained. I have ingenious ideas that nobody seems to appreciate fully. I don't take myself seriously and I doubt if I take others seriously. In fact I just cannot be sufficiently serious about anything at all. It helps me. It obviously annoys others. Get used to it.

I write because the words get collected in my mind and I got to find a place to put it. No other reason. 

I am always pretty confused and clueless and that obviously reflects in my writing sometimes. I don't know. Don't judge me, okay. Or do, whatever.

I don't watch the news or read newspapers because I get stressed. So obviously no current events will be discussed here unless it is something big. Like 9/11 or the tsunami or Shahrukh being banned from the Wankhede stadium. You get the gist?

I think, this should suffice for now. I am a little bored of typing and I have a re-run of 'Friends' waiting to be watched. Toodles, y'all!

Sugar & spice is not that nice...

OMG! Gloria Pritchett is having a baby! How awesome is that? Hundred bucks say, she will hand over the baby to Mitchell and Cameron. And if you do not watch Modern Family as religiously as I do, the above sentence is just a bunch of gibberish for you. Don't bother, really. Just watch Modern family online if you can. Right from the pilot episode to the 3rd Season Finale that aired last Wednesday. If you don't like it, you can come back here and change my name for me. You can call me anything you want. Except that you don't really know my name so it won't make much of a difference. But point is, I am yet to meet a sane person who doesn't like watching Modern Family. I think we Indians could match up with our own uniquely dysfunctional yet lovable families. Modern 'Indian' Family anyone? I'm going to get working on a script. My own family can provide enough fodder to last for ten seasons atleast. I don't know if I should be proud or worried (shrugs and walks away)
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Sometimes so many things are wrong with your life, you know that you can do nothing to change any of it anymore. That's a great phase. Everyone should go through it. But some of us actually have perfect lives, so those of you who do, can stop reading this and go back to doing your perfect stuff and living your awesome lives. The rest of you, stay right here. The least you can do is support a fellow human being with a far from perfect life. Anyway, I was talking about the time when you actually start realising that just about everything is wrong. This moment of truth will be followed by a week or two, and in my case, a day or two of extreme stress and constant worrying. You will keep enumerating the things that have gone wrong and you will also keep trying to squirm your way out and make a run for it while you can. You see, humans are intrinsically optimistic people and right before the ship sinks, we all feel like we will somehow get the chance to get into a life boat or strap on a life jacket and save ourselves. It is quite natural. But after a week, you will have another moment of truth, wherein you will be blessed with the realisation that you are one big hot mess and you can no longer salvage the remnants of your life and build something perfect with it. This will be followed by a day, and in my case, a few hours of bawling like a baby. This is natural too. You got to grieve when you lose something and when you lose your own life at a young age, you're going to feel regret and despair and in some cases, if you don't have the ability to pull yourself together, you will actually suffer from chronic depression which is a scary thing. You don't want to go that way, believe me. So after the bawling, you will start the natural healing process. You will tell yourself that life is what it is and such other philosophical things. You will count your lemons and try really hard to squeeze some juice and conjure up some lemonade. Only, it will not be so easy. You will go through a brilliant experience and finally learn to live with the mess that is now your life, for a good 50 odd years or so. That is when you know that you probably did not do what you were ideally supposed to do with your life, but you like it anyway. And that, my friends, is when you become a perfect person (Bows to the applause)
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Donkeys are not stupid...

Cuts can be nasty. I got one recently and it bled all over the floor. It was just my index finger but man, does my body have tons of blood or what. It was crazy. In my defence, I don't enjoy watching blood flow out of myself or something. I was just waiting for HM to come home from the drug store and I was feeling too queasy to even touch the cut, let alone clean and bandage it. HM got back with a litre of Dettol, ear swabs and corn caps. I did not know what to do with him. I agree that I had a mini panic attack when I cut myself and I literally shoved HM out of the door and asked him to get me a bandage pronto. But he came back with all those things and I was dumbstruck. Anyway, I had a lot of cotton at home and I danced around as HM tried to hold me still and clean the cut with Dettol. It stung and all, obviously, so I bawled like a baby and even skipped dinner. The cut was still oozing blood so HM asked me to clamp it shut with a bit of cotton, which did the trick. But then the cotton got stuck to the wound. I managed to pry it out and that included a lot of wincing and HM just kept out of it. I then stuck one of his corn caps on it and went to bed. Now two days later, I went to the doctor to get a tetanus shot and she tells me that the cut is infected and she scolded me and all and asked me if I wanted to lose my finger. I said, Hell No! So she gave me tablets and I'm going to eat them and save my index finger. Pray for my finger okay?

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So I went street shopping to celebrate the fact that I survived a tetanus injection without even a bit of wincing or squirming. I took the shot all straight faced like I was a pro at taking intravenous drugs or something. I am proud. This is a great achievement for me people! Maybe now is a good time to get a tattoo. Anyhoo, I bought a white maxi and a satchel for less than 500 bucks! I love street shopping. Totally awesome way of saving money. KP rocks. 

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Do you know if I owe you something? If I do, just tell me and lets settle the whole thing once and for all. And don't be nice to me first and then tell me that I owe you one. I will decide whether I owe you or not. Or atleast lets decide it mutually. I don't like it when you just decide that I owe you and then you go around telling people that I owe you. I owe you nothing you brat. In fact, YOU owe Me an apology. Say you're sorry and for good measure, also say that I no longer owe you anything. That will be all. Thank you.

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I remember my friend N always went to some random restaurant and came back raving about it and when we decided to try it out, it always turned out to be a lousy experience. Poor N. We'd always blame her for the bad food, bad ambience and bad service and she would always defend herself by saying that it was all perfect when SHE came there alone so maybe we were the problem. It would have been okay if it just happened once or twice. But No. N was always wrong about every new restaurant she tried. Then came the day when our umpteenth attempt at liking a restaurant picked by N, failed miserably. I think we almost got food poisoning there. We then told N bluntly that she totally lacked the ability to tell good from bad. In case of food that is. What our friends chose to do in their personal lives was never our concern. We were always the 'You-can-screw-up-all-you-like-but-we'll-still-be-there' kind of close knit gang. But if your poor choices started affecting our digestion, it got weird as hell. We were in the phase where you tend to think from your stomach and not from your heart or mind. There were days when a particularly nasty mood could be fixed by a bowl of sundae and a bar of chocolate could turn foes into friends. And no, we weren't 10. We were around 23 years old. Anyway, point is, I miss all that now. I really want to ask N to pick a restaurant and I want to go there and for once tell her that she made the right choice. N is leaving town next month to get married to her long time boyfriend/fiancé. This one is for you N. May you always continue to pick bad restaurants. You're good at picking the right people and that's what matters.

Pardon my french....

Some sort of 'baby boom' is at work here. Every other woman is pregnant or has delivered a baby and I am getting seriously worried about the population of India. I am a very responsible citizen and such things make me anxious. I then tend to sit and ponder about it. I don't understand if I should be happy for the expectant couples or concerned about the future of India. I like to think of India as a production unit. When it was all new and swanky, it produced the best people ever. Then over the years, things slowly started deteriorating. The last satisfactory batch was probably the one when our grandparents were manufactured. Every single batch after that one was produced with the most interesting variety of defects ever. My batch apparently was the one with the most grey shades. Atleast I can speak for myself. I absolutely lack the ability to tell black from white. All I know is grey and I know every possible shade ever seen. It is brilliant. Anyway, at this rate, the forthcoming batches will probably be like the spawn of the devil. It is not a very pretty picture in my head. I want to get rid of the image so badly, I want to go dunk my head in a big barrel of water or something. Excuse me, okay?
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Some guy in China has so much 'Chi' in his system, his skin is as tough as steel. Even an electric drill doesn't go through it. I was like, Wow. This is awesome. I don't really mind electric drills and stuff but if this 'chi' can stop crap from entering my mind, it will be totally worth it. I would ask everyone to go to China and get some 'chi' from all the awesome folks out there. We all need 'crap free' minds so badly.
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Awareness is sometimes not the best thing ever. And I am not talking about social awareness or something. I am talking about being aware of yourself and your feelings and stuff like that. Sometimes it is best to not be aware of various emotions that I feel may hamper your life in more ways than one. Love, for example, is one such thing that could screw your life up so badly, the damage is almost unlikely to be undone. And even if you were one tough cookie, it could still scar you for life. Detachment from oneself is the best thing. People feel the need to detach themselves from the outer world to gain inner peace. I say, cut the bullshit. You cannot be in the world and not be a part of it. Rather, detach the part of yourself that attaches you to the outer world. No outer world stuff will ever affect you again. And when it stops affecting you, life will stop feeling like one big mess. Man, do I love preaching!
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This one is too sweet for words. 

Ba dum bum phishhhh.....

Do you ever have one of those days when all you want to do is sleep and never wake up again? I'm having such a day right now. I want nothing more than to curl up in bed with my blanket and my dogs and drift away to la la land. I did not want to wake up today and probably wouldn't have if HM had not yelled out my name loudly till I got myself out of bed. I almost sleep walked my way into the kitchen where HM had started brewing tea. I held out my arms to hug him and he handed me the strainer instead and asked me to WAKE UP NOW! He is really loud at times. So I would have totally made it back to bed but I had breakfast to make and lunch too so I got working. Then after I'd finished all the cooking, I worked out for around 45 minutes during which the maid came to do her daily chores and P the mongrel resumed her daily duty of supervising said maid. P likes to think of herself as some kind of watch dog. She enjoys watching over people. You could be asleep in your bed and when you wake up, you'll find her sitting quietly near you, just watching you sleep. Spooky and cute at the same time. So then I got ready for work because I work Saturdays while HM does not. HM drives me to work on Saturdays so he got ready too and then we reached my office and I dragged myself to my cube, from where I'm writing this post. Anyway, that is exactly what has happened until now. I have no idea how the rest of the day will go. I kinda get annoyed with uneventful days like these. Why can't everyday be new and exciting? And now that I've started sounding like a grown up version of Dora the Explorer, I gotta stop. NOW.

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So something has happened at the Wankhede stadium involving his highness SRK and some security guys and his daughter was somewhere in there too. Its not exactly 'news', more like old news. I just read about it somewhere online because I'm probably the only idiot around here who never watches news channels. I don't even bother reading the daily newspaper, so its a miracle if some news manages to reach me. This one did though and I have no idea why people have made a big deal about it. Some kids were doing what they are basically meant to do. They were kidding around and who wouldn't, tell me? I'd go bonkers if I could watch all those cricketers in person. Now I don't really understand the game of cricket and I hate it, honestly speaking. But one does get caught up in the whole excitement of watching all those players in action, especially since I see most of them in ads and all so I know quite a few. So big deal if some kids tried to get on the ground after the match. There was no reason for the security to manhandle them. They are kids, for god's sake! All they had to do was smile sweetly and ask them to go back to the stands and they totally would have. Kids are pretty obedient that way. But these security guys apparently mistreated and pushed the little kids around and in stepped our knight in shining armour. I don't think SRK did the wrong thing and I definitely don't think he's stupid enough to go pick up his girl and her friends whilst drunk. So Mr. V. Deshmukh can basically stop the baseless defamation. And now that I've discussed this unimportant event on my blog, which is basically all about unimportant things, the press should get the gist and understand that this does not qualify as 'news'. People get into brawls all the time and with all the dancing and acting that SRK does to entertain us, we should just cut him some slack and let him be a normal human being for a change. I know he's a superstar and all that jazz, but he is human afterall.

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Yeah right. Important people say something random and it becomes a 'quote' and people go around quoting them. The above quote is a great example. 

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it....

I am not posting too frequently because I have no time to write. Actually I do have time but I'm investing it elsewhere for a change. Anyway, I felt like writing today so I came back. They don't call me Lost & Found for nothing. I keep doing the whole 'Houdini' thing to various people in my life. Activities are included too. Its like, now you see me, now you don't. I like to think that I'm magical that way. I spent all of last week catching up on work, some reading and lots of sleep. Thank you melatonin. I also watched Ishaqzaade. I wanted to stand and applaud at the end of the movie, but I had stupid teenagers surrounding me and they were giggling and chatting like a bunch of idiots instead of appreciating the movie. That annoys me. I was part of a film appreciation club in college and I get way too involved when I watch any movie. I like discussing it later but HM just gives his verdict and dismisses the movie as a Hit or a Flop. Anyway, Ishaqzaade made me miss my film appreciation club. All of us would have cried a little at the end of the film and would have definitely given it a standing ovation. The movie was brilliant. The ending should have been a little different and I'd have loved it even more if the two rebels had lived to tell the tale to their future generations. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the whole small town vibe and the fire brand youngsters portrayed by Arjun and Parineeti. And Amit Trivedi was there for the music, so that part was awesome as usual. He has rare talent that guy. He should work more. And speaking of music, we totally have to import Fuzon to India and keep them here. I want to give them their own radio channel and I want Shafqat Amanat Ali crooning on it 24/7. If I like someone slightly more than kailash Kher, it has to be this guy. Have you heard him sing Ankhon Ke Saagar? I died, went to heaven and came back within a span of those blissful few melodious minutes. I've been hearing them for a long time now and I miss my old mp3 player because I lost it and it had some rare songs from the band that I cannot find anywhere on the internet. If anyone has any of their songs or albums or anything, please just be an angel and give them to me. I shall be forever grateful.

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My area does not have a municipality swimming pool. It is just such a sad thing. My old neighbourhood i.e. the one where I lived with my parents, had not one but two municipality pools and they were both Olympic sized. You could pay ten bucks, buy a ticket and swim for an hour. What more does one want in Summer? But this dratted new area is full of swanky buildings but no municipality swimming pool. And I don't want to waste money swimming at private pools when I can do so for ten bucks at an Olympic sized pool. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am. I used to swim every noon during Summer. How do you think I managed to stay thin? If anyone from the PMC is reading this, please give me an Olympic sized pool to swim in? pretty please?

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I should print the above image and paste it all over my cube at work. If you're wondering why I work in a cube, let me tell you that my workspace is a cross between an actual cabin and a cubicle. I have a space that is large enough to qualify as a cabin, but no doors so its pretty much like an extra large cubicle. So I call it a cube. Sound so cool no? I have to have the above made it into a poster and hung in my cube instead of the current picture. Right now, I sit beneath a large framed photograph of the Chrysler Building, New York City. It is pretty awesome too, but the picture above will just make more sense when hung above my desk.

My name is Lost and Found and I'm a slacker.

I am a famous slacker. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you how I rock at slacking. Don't ask my Ma though. She just doesn't get the fun part of it. Anyway, the point is, I don't like wasting time. I just like doing something worthwhile with it. For example, drafting a particularly boring Deed of Conveyance at work isn't worthwhile. Making bracelets with Boondoggle is. You get the gist? This of course doesn't imply that I am a procrastinator. I get a brief, I finish the case ASAP and then I'm free as a bird. I have all the time in the world to do things that interest me. And the internet has helped so much, I cannot thank it enough. Here's a list of things I do on the internet to utilise the time reserved for slacking. Some of you are probably thinking that my boss will fire me sooner or later. I assure you, he won't. He knows I do my work on time and that's all he cares about. He is awesome that way. Anyhoo, here's the list:

1. Learn hairstyles on YouTube. I have long, waist length hair and I love styling it!

2. Learn crochet stitches on YouTube.

3. Learn workout routines on YouTube.

4. Learn craft ideas on...you guessed it! YouTube!

5. Watch all the episodes of Khan Sisters online. Keeping up with the Kardashians with an Indian twist. Thoroughly entertaining!

6. Catch up on TV shows that are not aired here. I just got done with the latest episode of HIMYM and Modern family. Also watch movies online. I finished watching Black Swan, Beastly, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Blind Side. All of which I had already seen on TV but wanted to watch again. 

7. Download music! 

8. Play SpeedWordz on Goggle Chrome. Awesome game. You get to compete with other online players and show off your vocabulary skills.

9. Read blogs. Go through my blog list to see my favourites. I read a lot more but you need to be brilliant to make it to my blog list. And did I forget to mention that you need to be blessed with a brilliant sense of humour?

10. Read my own blog. Yes, I enjoy going through my archives. It brings back memories of the creative crap that was going through my brain at the time. (Sighs, smiles and wipes a tear) Good times, good times.

11. Other assorted things like reading articles on Wikipedia, going through people's Tumblrs and writing emails to HM. 

This list isn't officially over. I will add to it as I go along.

There are other things to do when there is no internet. Here is a list of those things:

1. Make bracelets with Boondoggle

2. Do some Knitting. Patterns courtesy YouTube

3. Do some exercise. Learnt on YouTube ofcourse.

4. Play with the dogs and tell them stories. H is a great listener and P is most likely to doze off during a narration of Rumpelstiltskin, but it is worth it.

5. Imagine things. Once you learn to do this, you will never get bored again.

6. Doodle on Office Stationery.

7. Draft some stuff. I'm a lawyer for god's sake! I enjoy drafting stuff sometimes. It is not work related obviously.

8. Last, but not the least, Read a lot of books. Current favourite : Insects are just like you and me except some of them have wings by Kuzhali Manickavel. She is a genius. Respect \m/

So this is how I utilise my time. Do tell me what you do with yours.

Title that is completely unrelated to the post...

How would you react if I called you an idiot? Would you scowl at me or would you smile? I would smile. I love the word 'Idiot'. And if you say it cutely enough, it actually sounds like something lovey dovey couples could call each other. It could replace vomit inducing endearments like 'baby', 'munchkin', 'sweetie' or 'muffin'. You could actually ask your significant other at the end of a day, "How's my idiot today?" and maybe accompany the sweet query with a little pat on the cheek. Try it. It could become a thing. And if it does, puhleez do not forget to give credit where it is due. Here.
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Don't you just hate it when people speak potentially fatal English? I know someone who can literally make your ears bleed and eventually kill you with her language skills. I cannot bear to speak with her lately and I don't blame you for judging me. I do not endorse the view that everyone should speak perfect English. We have sweeter languages in India and some words are so much better when said in the local language. For example, 'Gadhadya! Doka shen khayla gelay ka? Hey ganit kaa chukavlas?' cannot be expressed in English no matter how hard you try. For those who don't understand Marathi, let me translate the above in exact words. It means, 'Donkey! Has your head gone to eat dung? Why is all your maths wrong?'. It doesn't sound too appealing in English, does it? But in Marathi, it is an absolute delight to hear and say. I've had both experiences. For the record, Marathi isn't my mother tongue. It is my father and husband tongue, if there is such a thing. We really should have those details in school forms and stuff. I mean, with all the wonderful languages we have here, how can you know just one? Your mom could be speaking a language different than what your father does and maybe your aunt decided to marry someone who speaks a third language and you'll pick that up too!  I'm sure the English speaking countries don't have so much fun. And now, back to the topic. Aforementioned person with the terrible English actually manages to speak decent Marathi and Hindi. Both beautiful languages and commonly spoken. But she will stick to her crappy English and try to show off. I want her to perfect her Marathi first. It is her mother tongue and I speak it better than she does. What a shame. I really do hope we show off our local languages more. I love English, but I'm not English!
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I bought the book 'Confessions of a Serial Dieter' by Kalli Purie. And though I'm not grossly overweight, obese or even fat, I can understand how it feels when you try to lose those 'few' kilos that have piled up. I put on a little weight after I got married, but since I was skinny earlier, it wasn't too much of a problem until I stepped on the weighing scale and saw how much weight I had gained. Six whole kilos. I knew that if I didn't do something about it right away, I would become obese really fast since I love food. I can eat quite a lot without actually realising it. Kalli's book is witty and I can relate to it. Enough reason for me to actually emulate her. She writes about how exercise can seem hard and painful at first but how one really needs to push oneself to achieve weight loss inspite of all the pain. I am exactly at that stage right now. I have cut down on junk food and have started eating less and feeling full. But the exercising bit is a little difficult for me. I have decided to push myself really hard from now on. I really hope I can do it. Kalli talks about how even 4 suryanamaskars were difficult to do and how she managed to do 200 after consistent effort. She lost 40 kilos eventually. I just have to lose six! I am going to do this.
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Wow. I wonder how those would taste. But first I should really think if I have any enemies. It will require a lot of deliberation based on a lot of factors. Excuse me while I go mull over this one...

And if you are wondering why I've titled my post this way, go through any of my older posts. You will find that unrelated titles are a 'thing' here. I enjoy doing it.